HOW TO TOILET

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"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."
- Maya Angelou


So, this post is meant to have you in stitches by the end.... let me know if I have accomplished this!

Now, I will take you through the process of going to the bathroom as a western female in India.  The reason I do this is because, as a female architect, I genuinely wish to design a more appropriate space that functions better for all women; especially those who have to wear saree and open toed shoes! 

I must first remind you that we, as women in rural India, are to be fully clothed and covered.  There is also a requirement to adorn oneself with an additional scarf to ensure one's bosoms are fully covered and not able to be viewed. They are distraction you know. Clothing is to be loose and to ground length where possible. 

Now, imagine having your brain receptors advise you that you need to use the toilet, and that you are female.  

Below is the process to follow should you wish to exit with dignity and also in the same state in which you entered:

Step one:
Enter the female toilets room and find the stall with the least amount of water on the floor.

Step two:
Once you have selected the least wet stall, go in and assess the space for possible dry patches and hold points.  Roll up your pants from the bottom to your knees, so that when you squat and lower your pants the bottom of your pants do not get wet.  Unzip and roll down your pants from the waistline to just above your knees.   
(Side note:  If you are carrying a bag it is not possible to sit on the ground as it is sopping wet and there are never any hooks. The door hardware used does not allow for improvisation, so it is best to wear a backpack or a long hung purse that can be slid to the side of the body or the small of your back.)

Step three:
Move closer to the hole in the ground or toilet base and spread your knees wide enough to ensure your pants are fixed into place and that you can squat in the correct location to ensure minimal splash and direct bullseye into the whole. Then roll your long shirt and scarf up and tuck under your bra to ensure it doesn’t get in the way of movements about to occur. 
(Side note:  If you are wearing a skirt roll entire, full length, skirt up to it's waistline and tuck firmly into place. Test your roll and tuck with a little booty wiggle to ensure it will stay in place under all possible future circumstances.) 

Step four:
Begin to lower oneself toward the hole. If there is a toilet basin this is better so always look for a stall with a toilet basin when possible.  This is because as westerners we are not physically well trained or adapted to truly squatting and thus end up in a state of possible collapse.  Remember the floor is extremely slippery, there is no slip rating required in this spaces, and the pre-fabricated hole (see image below) is glossy ceramic and even more slippery.  So, the entire time whether it’s bodily movement option one or option 2 you are searching for a grab point.  This is usually the spigot (a.k.a. hose-cock) and it usually just out of reach so that you end up fully stretched with one arm out horizontal, fingers tightly grasping the spigot, and bum pushing/stretching in the opposite direction in order to complete the natural task at hand.  I imagine a yogi would call this position the 'magpie goose' as there is usually a bit of squaking and grumbling required to get into position.
(Side note: There are steps 4b, c, and d that address a women's monthly reminder that we are still viable baby making machines, however these steps are much more difficult to find amusing and genuinely something that needs to be further considered with regard to functional support elements in the space.  They have been omitted from this lesson, but you may ask the tutor in private should you desire to know more about this topic.)

Step five:
Now that your business has been concluded please slowly and steadily repeat Steps three to one in reverse order.


The whole time I am imaging the worst case scenario of loosing a foot or hand hold and sliding to one side, wiping out, and landing on my shoulder in the centre of the main hole!

So, my goal is to work on designing a better Indian toilet….designs to come within the next few months!
 Watch this space! I will continue to laugh at the situation while I work on changing it!






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